How to Make Friends in Midlife

Hello friends, and welcome to Notes from the Road! This is the place for news, advice, tools, and inspiration to thrive in your 50s and beyond. In this issue:

• How to make friends in midlife.

• Being patient with your midlife transformation.

• Developing equanimity with a ten-day course.

• How much exercise to get each week.

• Deciding on a mortgage in retirement.

Lots of us are lonely these days. Over the last two decades, societal changes have made it harder to make and keep friends. There’s a lot stacked against us. There’s a decline in faith communities, smaller families, and the rise of social media, just to name a few. And then Covid came along and scrambled our traditions and organizations. Many of those didn’t recover fully.

The unique circumstances of midlife make it even harder. At a certain age, you lose friends to retirement, relocation, and even death. Political polarization sometime claims a relationship or two, sadly. And on top of it all, we may have less energy for the whole thing, and maybe we’re a little too set in our ways to make room for new people and perspectives.

But it’s not all bad! In some ways it can be easier to connect with others. (Hello virtual book clubs!) The key is to separate the wheat from the chaff.

If you’re like me, you’ve seen all the usual suggestions: volunteer, take up a hobby, chat up new friends at the gym. My own experience with these specific options has been…less than memorable. Since I’m likely to be relocating to a new state soon, I’m really thinking seriously about how to make meaningful and durable friendships. Here are some possibilities that are a little off the beaten path and have been more promising, at least for me:

Go back to school—Take a class in anything and everything you missed the first time around. Every state has special programs for older adults, so you won’t be sitting with the fraternity guys. And if you’re looking to pursue a new career on top of it, you can get scholarships too.

Write—A blog, a newsletter, video scripts, Twitter threads, letters to the editor. You’ve got a lifetime of professional and personal experience, and probably some new interests on the horizon. You wouldn’t believe how many friends you will make this way. Trust me on this one! (If you’re interested in a deeper dive article on this and my experiences so far, let me know).

Try a meetup—Meetup.com has been around since 2002 helping people find other people with similar interests, and, well, meet up! And remember, if you can’t find a group that interests you in your area, you can start your own. (I always forget this). If you’re an overseas traveler, don’t worry; they’re overseas too.

After I wrote this article, we did some brainstorming on this challenge, and came up with many more ideas. Stay tuned for a video that goes deeper.

What have you tried? What worked? What didn’t? Let us know and we’ll include it in a future newsletter or video. See you next week!

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The Weekly Roundup

Worth your time to watch, read, and listen.

🎓 Equanimity: A Ten-Day Wisdom Course. Equanimity: mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation. Boy, can I use a little of this these days! In this ten-day online course, meditation master Sharon Salzburg shares 20-minutes of audio with text, images, and links to help you on your path. (Sliding scale, $10 suggested contribution)

🏃🏻 Here’s How Many Minutes of Exercise Per Week Could Help Extend Your Life. A fellow newsletter reader shares this for us to enjoy! Research suggests there's an ideal amount of physical activity that helps you live longer. Spoiler alert: it’s more than the minimum. (3 min. read)

📰 You’ve Retired. Can you Get a Mortgage—And Should You? It’s not like it was when you were 35, because your income is likely to decrease. How will you navigate that, and provide lenders with confidence as they assess your current and projected income? (6.5 min read)

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